Embracing the Inner Housewife
I wouldn’t consider myself a very good homemaker. I don’t really enjoy cooking nor do I thrive on all of the things that go along with providing healthy meals for my family – menu planning, shopping, etc. I don’t hate cleaning, but I also don’t think about it very often. Occasionally I become a bit obsessed when the apartment is so bad I feel we are living among germs, but this doesn’t happen frequently enough to create what anyone would really consider a remarkably clean living space. When I look around at all of your blogs and I see amazing recipes that would take one more than 15 minutes to cook or, dear God, craft projects that you have completed, I am amazed and wonder why I can’t do that too. I realize that it is ok for me to not enjoy certain things, but I guess I want to enjoy them and just can’t seem to make myself; it just feels like work. More importantly, I don’t know how to find the energy.
I don’t mind that I’m not a great housewife/homemaker/whatever you want to call it. What I mind is not feeling like a good “stay at home mom.” The trait that I feel I lack is the creativity (or the energy) to keep my son occupied, stimulated, and happy. It has been a winter of lethargy. I know no other way to describe it. It got to the point where I felt like every time I took him out he would catch a cold, a bug, something. And so then we’d be stuck inside recuperating until we both got so stir crazy I was willing to leave our house again. Just this past week I finally got us out and to a playgroup on Tuesday and by Thursday night Sam had the Croup. It makes me want to be a hermit with him, which would all be fine and good if that meant I found ways to keep him busy when it is just the two of us at home, but I’m just not very good at that. It’s hard for me. On the one hand I get bored pushing a train around a track all day long and then on the other, when I try to do an actual activity, I wonder what the hell I was thinking as I try to clean finger paint off of a writhing toddler. Half the time the activity feels like it’s just not worth it, so I then try to just follow his lead (which means pushing the train around the track), and then I’m bored again. And so I busy myself with things I don’t really care that much about – laundry, dishes, cooking – just so that I can feel like I’m doing something and accomplishing something. But Sam wants me to play with him ALWAYS, and then comes the guilt, because I just can’t sit on the floor and play all day, and I feel like I should be able to do that and find a sense of accomplishment in that alone. I know there are so many working moms out there who wish they could do just that all day. And yet I can’t.
I never saw myself as a “housewife” when I was growing up. I know that’s not what we say now, but that’s what it was called at the time. As girls it was made abundantly clear that we could do what we wanted, hold whatever job we wanted (supposedly) and also have a family. None of us were really trained in the ways of raising children, pleasing husbands, and keeping house. We went on the assumption that we’d be doing more than that and followed whatever path in our education that we thought would lead us to what that “more” would be. That’s what I did – went to college, got my degree, worked several years in my field before getting married and then a few more before getting pregnant. And now here I am, feeling like I am supposed to be doing more even though it is my choice to do just this. But be it society’s expectations or my own, it just never seems like this is enough. How is it possible to feel so guilty about not doing more – for one’s family, in one’s life, for one’s self – and yet feel so completely drained at the same time? How do we justify the training/schooling (not to mention the financing of that education) we all went through when it now appears to be wasted now that we are, according to many, “just moms”? I have trouble making sense of it myself so I don’t know that I can even blame our culture for being hard on something they don’t completely understand.
Sometimes I wonder what it was all for too. Would I have still gone to college and done the years of work had I known that when it came down to it and I had a baby that there was no way I would leave my child with someone else in those first years if I had a choice in the matter? I don’t know if it makes sense or not. I know my life would be very different had I not had all those years. I know that I would be a very different person. But I’m not sure it’s possible now to not feel some sense of…failure almost that I didn’t stick to the plan. I imagine very few of us were thinking, “I want to be a stay at home mom when I grow up.” So how do we make sense of everything we’ve done that preceded this time in our lives? And I’m not saying I feel no satisfaction in what I am doing; that’s not the case, but sometimes it is just so hard to feel satisfied, engaged, energetic, motivated, fulfilled, and happy when there is a nagging feeling that it will never feel like enough.
Then other times I look closely and think to myself, “You know what - you made that smoothie, and it’s good for him dammit, and he likes it. And more importantly, you made that boy, he certainly doesn’t look miserable, and that’s all you have to do. There is no ’supposed to’ about it so get over it and stop complaining!” And that’s really nice while it lasts.
I have the same thoughts regarding the college degree. Unfortunately, we are 18 when we make the choice whether or not to go, and at that time staying home with babies isn’t usually on the top of our teenage to-do list.
So we take a little detour, short in the grand scheme of things, but really amazing, right?
And our degrees will come in handy one day, right? RIGHT?
Comment by Jamie — April 15, 2007 @ 11:18 pm
I often wonder if I will ever work in professional theatre again. And when I think this way I feel so incredibly sad and I long for my life I had before I became “just a mom.” It took me so long to get where I was is theatre (paid well, constantly employed, doing great shows) and now I rarely even get out to see a live performance. Being a mom is a wonderful job, but I too often wonder when I will just enjoy where I am without constantly looking back, or like you, feeling like I should be doing more than being “just a mom.”
Comment by Reesh — April 16, 2007 @ 12:14 am
Hey ,you are not alone. what do we do ? with the college education and everything. I personally would like some time off without my kids 10 and 2 to just think about what i want. I dont even know anymore. I want to have a list of things to do that make me happy . It may be an idea to have such a list handy
Comment by Rebecca — April 16, 2007 @ 1:03 am
Just last week I went to library where I used to work and discovered that while our family was going the rounds of the plague for the past two months, my former boss had had her release party for her brand new published children’s book. Huge party, movers and shakers, signings, Caldecott folks and ALA big wigs out the wazoo. Dude, I couldn’t even buy a book because they had just that morning boxed them all up to ship them back to the publisher for the general release. I waited till that night after the girls had gone to sleep and I cried.
It is discouraging. And everyone says “Oh, what a great Mom you are!” just because I am good at telling stories to kids. Guess what… I do crafts and junk with them… but I still feel like you do.
…and then my five year-old pauses in her dancing to say…”I’m your GOOD minion, huh mama.” It doesn’t seem like a sacrifice THEN. I console myself with the knowledge that they DO grow up. Hey , besides which… you are making a sibling for Sam! If you don’t mind the mess, sibs will keep each other playing epic two hour games leaving you time to do something you love. Unless you love to do interesting things like paint and glue…. then those kids will be all over your business in two hot seconds! So I wouldn’t envy the crafty folks were I you!
Comment by bon — April 16, 2007 @ 2:19 pm
I know how lucky I am to be able to do both stay at home AND work. Although sometimes I’d just like to stay home. If there is one thing I am learning the older I get - it’s that none of us are ever totally happy all the time. No matter how good things are we always wish for something more, something better. It’s just our nature. Dumb, huh?
Someday when Sam is like 20 and he tells you “Mom, I used to love it when you played trains with me.” then it will really feel worth it.
xo
Comment by Mama D — April 16, 2007 @ 3:30 pm
I chose to stay home when my second was born, and I felt the same way. Your post could have been written by me. I finally (when Five was about 2-1/2) got a part time job, just to get out of the house a bit and rejuvenate my brain. It helped me recharge so I could enjoy being home again, though I do admit I don’t feel like I do enough “for them” even though I’m with them all the time.
Don’t be so down on yourself right now. You’re pregnant and stuck home a lot and that’s a perfectly normal way to feel. I’m grateful I can be home with my kids because my parents weren’t lucky enough to be able to do that when I was young, and I know my boys will remember it when they are grown.
We do a lot of coloring (not painting) and picture find books. Five especially loves I Spy books, which you can get at the library and are great for them.
I hope you’re feeling better soon!
Comment by sari — April 16, 2007 @ 5:37 pm
Hi. I’ve lurked here for a while. I found my way from Lifenut. The issues you raise are real and I think all moms struggle to find the right balance. But, please don’t think a college degree is wasted if you’re not employed. College broadens and reshapes a student’s mind, it’s made you a different woman and a different mom than you would have been without an education. You’ve been outside the home and you chose to be in it, you have the choice, and while the freedom to chose may feel like a burden, life without it would be stifling. You are an economic peer to your husband, if you choose you could go out and earn as much as him, that gives you so much more freedom and a stronger safety net than women from earlier generations. Having said that, I have days where I wish I’d taken home ec in high school instead of another science elective. I feel like the hidden secrets to cooking and cleaning with ease must have been shared in that class. . .
Comment by amy — April 16, 2007 @ 10:12 pm
Just popping in to say hello, congrats on the second baby boy (you’ll love watching them be brothers) and to tell you I’m the same way as a “housewife”. My house is less than clean and cooking and crafts hardly happen around here. And when they do, they leave a lot to be desired. {{hugs}}
Comment by Alli — April 17, 2007 @ 1:46 pm
I am so right there with you. Eli has good days of playing independantly, or rather good pieces of time within a day, but for teh most part he wants interaction a lot too…more than i can give or want to give. And I feel guilty about that because, like you said, so many mommies would LOVE to stay at home and play with their little ones all day. But i really feel if I did that then he wouldn’t have any sense of self-reliance, kwim? You’re doing a great job…like you said, you made him and he seems to be happy
(Just wanted to let you know you’re not alone in these feelings.)
Comment by Nicole — April 17, 2007 @ 2:50 pm
i’ve never been what you would call “a career person.” i never had a job i loved. never felt like i was really meant to do something or really good at something in particular. until i became a mom. i’ve never felt i was good at something so rewarding and important before. that being said, i also have a lot creative energy and low tolerance for pushing the train around the track. (i often remember mr. mom when michael keaton talks about his brain turning to mush. i can so relate.)
so, i created my onesie business. because i needed to do something else. something was just my own. something that i could identify myself with in addition to “mommy.” maybe you could find something work-like to do in the home. work on your novel, maybe?
i also took a job as a part-time nanny. i take care of another boy almost b’s age for 3 hours a day. it was necessary financially (not that it makes me THAT much money, but. . .) and what i didn’t realize was that it would be SO good for me and bb. he has someone OTHER THAN ME to play with on a regular basis. sometimes it’s a pain in the ass, but mostly, it’s great. he’s learned to share and how to be considerate of another kid. he’s learned to cooperate and he’s had someone to play with who ALWAYS wants to do the same stuff he does.
i fully recommend a regular playdate. or finding a mom who needs care for her child once in a while. someone to befriend sam, maybe? or a few toddlers whose moms would want to do a playgroup with you. you could rotate houses or something.
this might not be helpful, but i’m so sympathetic to the plight of the stay at home mom.
sometimes i wonder how i’ll do it all again. do you? finally getting bb off to school and here comes another! buckle up.
Comment by kate — April 18, 2007 @ 5:18 pm
I tend to feel the guilt because I don’t like playing with my kids. I cook for them, read to them, talk with them but don’t like getting down and playing. That’s my husband’s department. Creative, stimulating play you say? Don’t know how to do it.
Comment by Michelle — April 18, 2007 @ 8:28 pm
I have these same feelings just about daily. I too have a college degree and worked before children entered my life. I love my kids and do love my life but a lot of times I wish that I had more.
Comment by Jamie — April 22, 2007 @ 9:07 pm
We make the choices that feel right for us. You are right to feel proud about that smoothie, and for putting some things on hold for the benefit of your kid(s).
I’m on the other end of the spectrum, wondering whether I should’ve taken a few years off from work, or whether Ella would’ve grown better had I been at home full time.
I guess we always wonder a little whether the grass truly is greener on the other side. But, I am happy with my shade of green. It might not be a perfect shade of green, but it’s a green that I can live with and be proud of. I’m sure you feel the same way.
Comment by Emma — April 23, 2007 @ 2:47 pm
[…] I realized that the previous post has very little to do with actually “Embracing the Inner Housewife,” as its title suggests. Instead, it reflects my seeming inability to do so. So last week I decided to suck it up and see what would happen if I tried to be more active with Sam, both indoors and out, no matter how much energy it might take or how much clean up would result. And I have to say, it was a much better week. Not all of the activities we did were great, nor will they all be repeated any time soon, but having more to do really helped us both through yet another crappy weather week. So here are a few suggestions I have for those of you biting your nails waiting for the sun to emerge as you stare at your toddler for the 8th hour that day and proceed to push that train around the track the 6,787th time. […]
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