When everything’s a battle, it’s hard to find peace
We went to the playground today, the four of us, and tried to get in some play time before the HUGE freaking rain cloud overtook us. Both the boys were on the swings, and then Sam went off with his daddy to climb and slide. I was left alone with Robby, just the two of us. Once I looked away from Sam walking away toward the big curvy ladder, and once I’d warned my husband to help him because Sam wasn’t wearing good playground shoes and might slip, I looked back at Robby. And looked. It was just us, and the feeling was so foreign. And all of a sudden I had all these flashbacks of when Sam was very little, how we did absolutely everything together, just the two of us. That’s how things were for the first 27 months of his life. And I told him telepathically, I’m sorry. I’m sorry this is the first time I have pushed you on the swing without being distracted. I’m sorry I can’t tell you when this will happen again. You will never know what it is like to share me with no one else. It is something you will never comprehend. And I’m just really, really sorry. He just continued to smile at me.
Do you ever just feel like you’re not very . . . present? Lately I have just been completely overwhelmed. It’s constant. I’m listing things to do, and we are spending every free moment trying to take care of something, some project, some packing, some phone call, some something. I know a lot of it is due to the upcoming move, but a lot of it also is just the difference in having more than one child. I never feel calm or in the moment. If a time comes when both children are content I feel I can’t just be there with them. I need to go make lunch, go return a phone call, go pee. Because if I don’t take advantage of that moment, then I may be making lunch while being screamed at by a baby to pick him up, talking on the phone while being pestered by an almost three year old to get him some scissors, holding the door shut while, well, you know.
There’s just never a moment to just be with them, especially not one on one. Sam is tough right now. Most things are negotiations, warnings, battles. It feels like that’s what we’ve been doing now for about six months. The other night he was running down the hall laughing and singing a song he’d made up himself. I was behind him, watching, and I just thought, that’s right: Sam is fun and sweet and happy. Why does it feel like he is never happy anymore? But he is, it’s just happening when I’m not paying attention because that period of calm for him makes me feel like I can move on to something else. He and I don’t get much time together for just us anymore either. Lately I have felt like I hardly know him. He has all of a sudden turned into a boy who can talk to me and tell me what he wants, yet I feel I understand him less than when it was just the two of us, and he couldn’t speak a word.
The past six months . . . I don’t know where they’ve gone. I don’t know what we’ve done with our time together, or where I’ve been. I haven’t really been here. I’ve just been moving, trying to function, trying to get things done. I hope tomorrow I can stay with them when that moment of contentment comes and tell them, telepathically, you guys are it. You are the center of my everything. I am here with you both. I am going nowhere else, but staying still.
Labels: Learn More Every Day, Mommyhood, The Big One, The Little One
I don’t think you need to feel sorry. Even though Robby doesn’t have your solitary attention the way Sam did, it’s all he knows and he’s okay with that. And the gift that Sam has in a brother is worth the sacrifice of sharing you with him. I can guess (and soon I will know) how it must feel to be in this situation but I am confident that I am right and we think and worry about this stuff and our kids barely even notice. We do the best we can. (Please remind me of this when I write exactly the same kind of post in a few months.)
And battles. Yeah. We (Peter) carried a screaming toddler home from the park yesterday because she didn’t want to leave. It’s tough. But as Peter reminded me it won’t be this hard forever.
Comment by Mama D — April 21, 2008 @ 8:43 am
I feel for you - it’s hard dividing your attention between more than one child. For my kids, I’m hoping the experience of being a family with the companionship of their siblings will prepare them for life in ways that being an only child can’t (not that there is anything wrong with being an only child.)
One thing that someone told me recently is to take a step back and look at the whole rather than just focusing on the individual struggles. You are probably doing a better job than you feel you are. We are always our own worst critic. If it helps you feel better, perhaps you can schedule some one-on-one time with each of the kids every once in a while. I’ve tried that, but guess what? My son was unhappy because he missed his brother and wanted to share the experience with him. Ooops!
Hang in there, it gets easier as the children get older. Then they get busy with their own activities and you wonder where the time goes because they are never around
Comment by Lynanne — April 21, 2008 @ 9:24 am
Well, I don’t know that it gets EASIER as they get older, as their problems get bigger, but it does get easier PHYSICALLY. They don’t need you to carry, push, lift them, etc. so more of your time with them is spent talking and doing things. We all need reality checks periodically. To take a step back and say “Doh! I’m MISSING this. Gotta pay attention…” And then we do. And that’s all that matters. Just paying attention….
Comment by tracey — April 21, 2008 @ 11:25 am
I totally know where you’re coming from. And you’re moving too, ugh.
I have many, many memories of Ian as a newborn, crawler, etc. But poor Laurel, her time with us is just a blur. But, man, it’s been FUN!
Comment by mamacita tina — April 21, 2008 @ 4:27 pm
All I can say is that I can relate, but as you know things keep changing. I have two and I’m feeling really close to my younger one right now (2) and sort of out of sync with my older one (4), but when my younger one was a little baby, I just remember missing my one on one time with my older one, I felt that for a long time.
Comment by amy — April 21, 2008 @ 6:04 pm
I don’t have any kids, so I can’t really relate… but I wanted you to know I read your post and “listened.”
Comment by Rebecca — April 21, 2008 @ 6:47 pm
I can totally identify with you and understand your point of view. It is tough. It is tougher than I have every imagined, and in a big move (which we just finished) and ya … life is hectic, hard and overwhelming at times. But you know what, your children are being loved and know that they mean the world to you.
Comment by Allie — April 23, 2008 @ 8:52 pm
My second one is only 2 weeks old and already I miss it just being my older one and I. I love my new one so much, but often feel like I am neglecting the older one. Mommyhood can be so rewarding but so challenging.
Jenn
Comment by Jenn — April 25, 2008 @ 2:55 pm
I had a hard time adjusting from one child to two. I felt guilty for the amount of attention I was or wasn’t paying to one or both of the kids.
I will say, going from two to three was NOT a problem, it actually was easier!
Comment by sari — April 30, 2008 @ 3:53 pm