Got some flaming pants over here, ya’ll
So . . . Sam just lied to me for the first time. I went upstairs, leaving him and Robby playing happily on the rug. I was gone for about 30 seconds when I heard a thwack and Robby screaming. When I ran down, Sam was hiding behind the ottoman and crouching, the way he does when he knows he has done something wrong. I asked him repeatedly what had happened and he kept telling me he didn’t know. I kept questioning and eventually he told me he had “given Robby a toy” and gone to sit on the window sill. He said he didn’t know how Robby got hurt. At this point a big red and blue bruise started to appear on Robby’s forehead. I told Sam I needed to know what had happened so that I could help Robby and that I was not asking him because he was in trouble.
It was at this point that Sam reenacted the manner in which he had “given Robby the toy,” the hard, wooden toy, I might add. And it involved him holding it up high and a slamming down kind of motion, in the direction of, I can only assume, Robby’s head.
I’ve read before that when kids this age lie they are not really doing what we adults think of as lying; they are really trying to tell what they wish had happened instead of the way it actually played out. I would buy that, except for the fact that he changed his story. Once I told him he wasn’t in trouble, the truth flowed out, and I think that is the most upsetting to me. It indicates a much more aware state on his part and it is much more purposeful. I have to admit this has taken me by surprise. I wasn’t quite ready for this to start yet - he seems awfully young, just turned three - and that coupled with the fact that I had just told him he was not in trouble made the whole thing very difficult to deal with. So soon? How do you deal with young children being untruthful? Especially after you’ve just told them they are not in trouble in order to get the true story out of them? (Let me just say I was not intentionally trying to be manipulative. When he originally told me he had not hurt his brother I believed him, so I was not actually expecting find out that he’d caused the problem and that I may have to backtrack.)
When I told Hubby about the incident he tried to reassure me that we have two boys and these things will happen sometimes. He was really responding to the hitting part and trying to tell me it was ok that I had left them alone for a minute. He went on to say that eventually Robby would be able to “fight back.” Jeez, that’s comforting! Now I envision running in to find my two boys strangling each other on the floor while I try to do the laundry. And Hubby has a brother who is just as close in age, so I’m afraid he may know what he’s talking about here. Is that what I have to look forward to?
Boys . . . what am I going to do with all these little penies running around? For those of you that have boys, there was recently a nice Wondertime article about raising boys. I particularly like the part where the writer describes one of her sons heading toward her daughter’s ponytail with a pair of scissors while the younger one cheers, “Go! Go!”
For the record, I also was very concerned about the fighting. You make it sound like I’d be okay with letting them duke it out in a backyard fighting pit.
We just built our backyard fighting pit, it’s great!! You don’t get any mess in the house.
No, I’m just kidding.
I will say, yes, the younger one will grow up and whup on the older one, three year age difference or not. At least that’s how it happened here.
Unfortunately, it seems like they just don’t know that hitting it hurting. It’s sort of like “hey, let’s try *this* and see what happens!” then the screaming starts and they start to get an idea that maybe that’s not right.
Totally laughing at Hubby’s comment now!
But I have only girls… and they never hit each other. With sticks or garden tools. Or shear one another with my good kitchen scissors. Or play ninja karate chop. Or anything like that.
I think all kids lie if they think it will keep them out of trouble. Don’t know how they learn to do it, but they do. I think that the smarter they are, the younger they start.
Don’t know that the hitting is a “boy” thing. Happens with girls too. But it gets better as they get older, especially when the younger one can defend himself. Sam will think twice about hitting Robby when he remembers that he might get hit back and it will hurt.
I’ve always heard that they don’t lie to be deceiving, they just do it so they don’t get out of trouble. My 2yo has started the lying thing too:( I think as long as we break it before they get to junior high, we’ll be all good!
Yeah. We had four boys in 4.75 years. They are the worst enemies and the best buddies, sometimes in the same minute. We emphasize they are a team when they are in full battle mode, so knock it off, guys! Fights happen, though.
And yes, the little brothers learn to fight back!
I can only imagine what it would be to be 3 again… The lessons they have to learn are so incredibly huge. Lying, being one of them. Telling the truth (when it’s bad) is not something that comes naturally. And not overreacting when one child hurts another of your children is not natural, either.
Hang in there. Invest in Tylenol or Jack Daniel’s.
I got nothing. I know this is something I have to look forward to because A’s tendency is to be a tad aggressive. I’m hoping there is enough of an age difference for right now that she will be motherly instead of a bully.
I don’t think the fighting back thing is a bad thing. It evens the playing field and I’m sure that it will not get out of hand because you will have a handle on things. I think it’s good when kids can and will defend themselves… Maybe because I was picked on… Hmmm…
I can’t offer much but a hug and a “been there, done that, still doin’ it” and tell you what we do. The boys fight more than I’m comfortable with. But we talk a lot about respect and being loving (”kind words and gentle hands” is a phrase we use a bunch around here). We also remind the older two that as the bigger, stronger brothers, they have to be gentle with their little brothers. And that we don’t hurt each other.
As for the lying. I’ve done the whole “You’re not gonna get in trouble” line before in the same situation as yours. After I’ve promised that, and I find out they’re lying, we have a little mini-lecture about what lying is and how we have to trust one another. We talk about how lying is wrong and it hurts people (especially the ones you love). Then I ask him what would have been the right way to handle it all. Sam might be a little young to take all that in, but you’ll be planting the seeds. The next time you think he might be fibbing a bit, warn him that you trust him to do the right thing and tell the truth the first time. That works like a charm for my first boy (being the classic first child that he is).
{{hugs}} That’s what we do. It may or may not work for you, but please know you’re certainly not alone.