Behind Closed Doors
Yesterday was bad. Like, I’m going to call my husband and tell him I quit and he needs to find someone else to take care of his kids bad. Like, I’m going to call him and tell him that he’d better drive faster because if he doesn’t get here within ten minutes he’ll arrive to find me gone bad. Like, irrationally angry at a BABY for wanting to constantly climb up on the window seat over and over again bad. I don’t really know why. But it was bad. It was one of those days.
So at one point I put everyone in the stroller and we headed out for a walk, because staying in the house for one more fraction of a second was just not an option. Slowly things got a bit better. I was a bit calmer. Robby chewed on a cup. Sam pushed his fire engine in his stroller. As long as we stayed in the shade I kept it pretty together, despite the fact that I was still looking at the time every three minutes or so.
As we approached our house I could hear our neighbor’s baby crying from a block or so away. The family there had their second child around the time that we moved in two months ago, and their daughters are the same distance apart as Sam and Robby, so I like to think I know what she’s going through right around now. When we got to our house we decided to stay out on the patio and play in the sandbox, and I noticed the baby was still crying. More time passed. Still crying. I don’t know how long it was, and it doesn’t really matter, because I also know that in that moment even minutes can feel like an eternity.
And I had the sudden urge to go over and try to help. For a moment, I thought, she needs help. She’s going to lose it soon, and that woman needs my help. But I stopped myself, not knowing if a random neighbor knocking on her door was really something that would be welcome in that moment, especially since said neighbor would be arriving with two additional children. And then I thought that she probably doesn’t want to know that others can hear what is happening in her house. When we lived in an apartment, not so long ago, I always hoped that no one could hear when my kids were screaming/crying/tantruming. This was partially because I was always afraid someone would hear them and call social services on me, you know, someone who doesn’t have kids and doesn’t understand the extent to which the suggestion of eating one’s dinner can wreak havoc in a household. But it was also because I wanted to appear to have it together, and I knew that if they could hear what was going on inside then they would also know that I didn’t always have it together, not in the least.
Even since moving here, I have wondered what can be heard when our windows are open; I have wondered what the neighbors think about what goes on in my house, because I imagine that every so often it can sound pretty disturbing. And I have worried that they think I must not be doing a good job for things to sometimes sound that way.
I think there is tremendous pressure to appear as though we moms have it all together all the time. I’m not sure why, because we all obviously know that there are moments - many, many moments - where we don’t have it together at all. So why would I have been embarrassed if someone had actually shown up to help? I would have felt criticized by them, despite their good intentions, despite the fact that I always knew in those moments that I was doing everything I could.
I was afraid of the possibility that I might embarrass her by arriving on her doorstep, asking her if she might want to pass the baby to me for a few minutes. I don’t know what the right thing to do was, because I also remember being in my apartment with both kids when Robby was very young and thinking to myself, someone has to come and help me. I know someone can hear the kids crying this way - why is no one here to help? I had those moments despite the fact that had anyone actually shown up I would have been incredibly embarrassed, ashamed, and maybe even angry.
I shouldn’t assume that she would have felt the same way, I suppose, but it still kept me on my own patio instead of on her doorstep. Maybe sharing the commonality that we are both moms just didn’t feel like enough to warrant me prying into her life. Eventually the baby stopped crying and it was quiet over there. We went inside and washed off the sand. But I still wonder if she was having one of those moments, one where she was willing someone in her mind to come and help her because she just needed to breathe for three minutes without the sound of crying in her ears. I wonder if I was hearing her call in that moment, but her message went unanswered.
I am that Mom! I often look to my neighbors to see if they hear what goes on in our house. There are times when the kids are just driving me absolutely crazy and I may talk a little louder…okay, well yell.
And I too wish some days someone would stop by and say, “Hey…bring the kids outside and let them play.” Maybe if you see her out, you could invite her over for a playdate or something. It’s amazing what a little adult conversation does for your day.
When our second child was about to arrive I had a zillion offers for help — and I never took anyone up on it because I always thought “I can handle this!”. I should have asked for help. Pride sucks. When friends were about to pop out their second children the tables were turned and I offered to help: “just drop your older child off at any time. please. don’t be shy, don’t feel bad…” No one ever did.
You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.
One of my mom friends once told me she thought I was always so calm and I about choked I snorted so hard. I am The Yelling Mom.
You’re right though, we don’t want to ask for help. Why is that? I am not a perfect mom but if someone came over and wanted to help me I probably would be embarrassed. A lot of nights by the time my husband finally gets home from work I just want to run and hide for a while. And I sometimes do.
It’s hard being a mom, I often feel like I’m just not measuring up.
That is so hard, but I will tell you this- I just had this going on here just moments ago (but it’s hot outside so the windows are closed and the air is on.) We’re actually all taking a time out to cool off. And I am taking deep cleansing breaths…
Steph
it is so hard to be a parent. I think this when my daughter gets really upset…
But you are right. it’s hard to know. Interesting though, that her “hard moment” made yours a bit easier…
I agree that when the baby is screaming is perhaps not the best time to go and offer help UNLESS you know the mom pretty well. But what a great reason to make a friendly gesture to that family when, y’know… the kids aren’t screaming! That way you would know whether or not to stop by, and vice-versa.
If you can cultivate a mom-friendship with someone on your street it WILL SAVE YOUR LIFE! Or at least your sanity! I know this because I have a good friend two doors down. She is the kind of friend you call at two in the morning to come stay with your sleeping kids while you rush your blue baby to the hospital. She is the kind of friend who will call you to make a mom/kid lunch playdate because she is as desperate for some adult conversation as you are. She is the kind of woman who doesn’t care a fig about the state of her or your house.
huh… now I feel like going and writing a love-letter post about how much I would die if my friend moved away!
I’m betting that mom felt your thoughts of support at that moment, I truly believe that.
This morning, my daughter after thrice ignoring a very straightfoward calmly made request (made while she was looking me straight in the eye defiantly) to go back and get her PJs off the floor was the recipient of a angry-faced, yelled at deafening decibels repeat of the same request.
Part of me felt bad, but I have to confess, part of me didn’t. When she returned (with the task accomplished), I calmly said, “Sarah, is that the way you need me to ask to respond? I DON’T like yelling, but if that’s what you prefer or need, I can do that…”
Imagine what a mama walking by my house must’ve thought!
Maybe they heard my outburst and wished me some help. Helpful calm came from somewhere…
You’re a kind woman, and a good mama.
What a great post, Beth. Luckily we live in a pretty spread out community with old people so they probably don’t hear to much and that is a good thing. We all have those days and I probably would have been like you and just quietly went on my way. I would have been offended if somebody came over although thinking about it rationally outside of the situation it would be a blessing to have the opportunity to escape! Next time you hear it maybe you should take over a bottle of wine, that would make anybody better, dontcha think?
those first two sentences? totally normalized my life.
thank you.
I am right there with you. I have had one of those days and I only have one child! We live in a townhome and I was always apologizing to our neigbors for the 3am screammiong sessions Kaitlyn had when she was little. They always told me that they never heard her. I think sometimes they were being nice.
Pass her a note. Let her know you’re going slowly insane as well and were wondering if she wanted to hang out and commisserate over coffee or lemonade. She may become your best friend… you just never know!
Interesting post. I think you captured the loneliness and isolation of neighborhoods in this day and age. People live right next to us but we rarely talk to them or help them. It used to be that people really lived as part of a community, but not so much these days.
I agree with the poster who said you should invite her to a play date.
Wow I have thought a lot about sending a note over to my neighbors and appologizing for all the yelling that they must here. I am trying to go “yell free” for three days four days in a row.
It does help to know you are not alone. I invited my neighbor over for a girls desert night that we still have yet to have. She turned to me and said, “Oh thanks so much you just don’t know how much I needed that.” Adult conversation is what she meant I found out later LOL.
What a great post! Gosh - we are all in the same club and all have those days, but yet we all feel the need to show everyone we have it all together - why is that? I remember when my neighbors had their first baby about 2 years ago - my daughter was like 3 then and sometimes our channels got crossed on the baby monitors. I have to tell you - I always thought twice about what I said from then on. ..:-)
Okay, first your kids are soooo cute! they are just precious!
oh yes! i know the feeling both sides of the fence! I wanted help and yet I couldn’t ask, and it’s hard to know if someone will accept our help isn’t it?
Great post.
hehe thanks for the comments on Thomas. It was fun, but way crazy all the stuff they make these days. I think the one we went to was a touring thing.. and not permanent there.
I love how you captured this moment.
I think that even Blogdom fosters a “perfect mom” pose; not many admit to the I-Want-To-Run-Away Days (myself included). I’m afraid of causing reader whiplash—she’s happy/she’s mad!/she’s tired/she’s glad!
I’m that mom who worries what the neighbors think, too. When Cordy has a meltdown I will actually close the doors and windows to dampen the sound, hoping that no one will hear as they walk by. This is partially because I always heard our old neighbors screaming at their kids, and I didn’t want to be like them.
Maybe you’ll see her outside at some point and you can strike up a conversation? Offer to help each other out when either of you needs it, since you’re in similar situations.
It IS such a fine line! But there are a few instances where I have felt impressed to stop and didn’t act on the prompting. And I have never forgotten about those times. What if I was supposed to help that person that day? I think if approached carefully, most women in need would not reproach a helping hand!
Ok, I didn’t read all of your comments (you are a rock star BTW) so someone might have already said this, but I think you did the right thing - that wasn’t the time, in my opinion. But still, she just might need you, and you might need her, so maybe when things are calm it would be a nice time to say hello.
I think that you could knock on her door with a cheery “HI! I’m new to the neighberhood and I see you have a baby, too!”. I’ve done that, and it’s sort of horrible, but most new moms are pretty happy to meet people - and then you could have more of an idea if she needs help or not.
Funny that I read this post only upon realizing earlier today just how amplified the sound of chaos really is coming out of this house. I have to admit that I am a little concerned about it now especially seeing of late that my daughter had decided to exercise her independence via her vocal cords.
You are right though, we as Moms are hard on ourselves and there are days that are incredibly difficult. I doubt that there is a Mom out there that hasn’t had those days. Perhaps that is why memory loss comes with age …… to help soften the nightmares that replay in your mind ….
Totally love this post! It’s like you can read my thoughts. A mom of a rambunctious 2 year old and a 7 week old preemie, I have often had these moments and wondered what the neighbors thought! Now, if I could only find a female friend in my development going through the same things right now *sigh* to make this journey more bearable!
Isn’t it funny how hard we work to preserve the way we think we appear to others? I even had my kids comment once that sometimes I am “nicer” when we are out. I have greater patience reserves when I am in public. And sometimes…oooooh, those moments you talk about are wicked. The ones where you walk into a room and shut the door behind you just to have a couple square feet to yourself. Even if there is pounding on the door, it is an improvement. Then back out to face the lions.
I think you are a great writer, coupled with a terrific introspection on parenting. It makes for a great read. Thanks for sharing.
Head on over…I have a little something for you that just may cheer you up!
You are so right about all this. I think in my moments with crying babies, I would have been embarrassed if a neighbor knocked on the door, just because I would probably feel like their timing was terrible, even if they are there to help with good intentions.
Go knock…. you never know she may turn out to be your new BFF.
Once again you’ve peeked into my life. I had one of those days on Thursday and am having another today. I’m praying no neighbors heard me yelling at my child or bawling my eyes out in self pity and sheer exhaustion. I’m mortified that my toddler felt so bad about my plight that he gave me a hug and an ‘ahhh mommy’. Secretly though I wish someone, anyone, would knock on the door and offer me help or some time to myself. Some days I need someone to handle my responsibilites and take care of me.
[…] it had been one of those days, you know? What can I say? Sometimes mama’s gotta get out, and if there was ever a night that […]