As I drove away and looked at the reflection of my three boys in the rear view mirror - Sam, Robby, and Hubby - I thought to myself, this is one of those symbolic moments in which you should find great meaning. They were taking a walk together, Sam pushing his stroller and Hubby pushing Robby in his, and I was in the car heading out for an evening to myself. I had the window down and Sam said “Bye Mommy!” as I drove past. And when I looked back at the three of them walking along without me I knew I should feel a pull to stay, a pull to turn around and go back, to spend the evening at home with my boys instead of heading out for a night to myself. I knew I should feel that pull, seeing them together in the reflection in the mirror, my family together and me outside the image . . . and then I floored it and got the hell out of there, their little bodies disappearing into nothing in the rear view mirror:) Little did I know . . .

But it had been one of those days, you know? What can I say? Sometimes mama’s gotta get out, and if there was ever a night that I needed to escape, this was one of them. And of course I had to go congratulate my gals for the launch of the new Chester County Moms site, created and operated by Sarah of These Are the Days, Jenn of The Best is Yet Unwritten, and Margie of Gunning It. I also got to see the ladies behind such wonderful blogs as Classy Mommy, Genesis Moments, and You Ott to Know. And after snagging some swag and catching up, my real life friend, Charline (Project: Motherhood) and I dared go where no mama has gone before on a Thursday night when our hubbies are home attempting to put both kids to bed on their own - we went out to dinner.

We were walking down the street in search of a place with, ahem, facilities, and there were people, people sitting outside at tables. They were eating! Eating and drinking wine . . . and talking to each other! They were relaxing and taking their time - it was fascinating. I turned to her and said, “We have to go out to dinner now!” And against our better judgment, we did.

With four young kids between us, certainly someone was going to either receive a call whilst attempting to eat an appetizer, or would return home to chaos. Can you guess which one of us it would be? But eat we did. And the waiter took forever, causing both of us to know for a fact that this would not end well. I think we both knew, even while eating, that we were making a mistake, tempting the Gods, as it were, and yet we just couldn’t pull ourselves away. It was just too perfect an opportunity to be passed up - we were both already out of the house! And so we ate on, took our time, used both hands instead of feeding children with one and our own face with the other. And it was nice, oh so nice. And no one was interrupted by a “Please come home NOWNOWNOW!” phone call.  And then we knew we had to go home . . .

I returned to find Sam sobbing in his bed, Hubby trying to console him as he screamed for me (Sam, not Hubby, although Hubby was probably screaming for me in his mind). He was just so upset. And once I got him calm and back to sleep Hubby regaled me of his night with both boys. Suffice it to say, it was not good. Bedtime did not go well. Sam wanted me there and was miserable. And apparently Robby kept waking up after being put to bed, causing poor Hubby to have to run back and forth between the two rooms trying to keep them both calm, as they each got steadily more and more upset, until finally Sam fell asleep on the couch in exhaustion.

Mommy guilt. It’s rough. You know that. I mean, in my defense, the last time I ventured out in the evening (like 2 months ago!) everything went swimmingly, but not this time. That’s not what you want to come home to, and not what you want to hear upon your return when you make the choice to actually try and get out on your own once in a while. Is it so wrong to try and have a dinner with a friend in peace? I don’t know. Maybe it is. Certainly it will be a long while before I make another attempt (although we have an evening wedding coming up in a few weeks and that’s a whole other post in itself - stress!).

I have to say, though, I’m still glad I went. I was a happier mama the next day. That’s not to say I’m glad about what happened, but had I gone straight through from my horrible day into the next day with no respite, things would have been ugly. As it was, the next morning my boys and I were just happy to see each other and be together.