Stinkin’ Bathtub
Just FYI - If you ever, say, find yourself observing your face in the mirror while your three-year-old takes his bath a few feet away, when he says something along the lines of, “Mommy, remember that time I did a poopie in the baftub?” you’ll want to get on that. Like, immediately. Do not continue to contemplate your pores. Do not, for the love of God, go on to remove your contact lenses as you wonder why on earth he would have thought of that time (because you are a nincompoop). For if you do, by the time you take 3 steps back over to the bath you will wonder what just happened to your eyes, cuz somethin’ ain’t lookin’ right in that water.
And as you get down on your hands and knees to deal with the situation, you’ll be reminded of a time just 20 minutes before, when you were in the same position, but under your dining room table trying to remove noodles from the carpet, knowing you would never succeed and wondering why in the hell you were the only one down there picking up food, contemplating what has become of your life. You’ll wish, that you were back in that dining room, facing smashed noodles in the carpet, rather than, well, the bathtub.
But THEN, ladies, oh ladies, 20 minutes later, you will find yourself sitting on the couch. You will be nursing your teething one-year-old as he sits up, facing the goods, as it were, at which point he will decide to clamp down and hurtle himself backward while keeping your boob in his mouth. At which point, you’ll wish you were back upstairs looking at a tub full of crap instead of a handful of ice.
Words. There are none for this hilariously painful post. None.
Ouch! :-{
Oh dear…
oh my goodness.
sorry, dear.
Yikes! You hit the Bad Night for Mommy trifecta.
At least Sam took the blame. My sister pooped in the tub when she was 2 and blamed me. I was at Kindergarten.
Ugh. Today has GOT to be better.
oh goodness beth, what a day you had!
isn’t it great being a mom!? LOL
jen
Ouch…
Steph
OH. MY. Did anyone puke?
ha ha! I have a hard and fast rule about the bathtub: if a child has not pooped that day there will be NO bubble bath because… well, because bubbles obstruct my view.
Oh my. I know all about the poopin in the tub and cleaning food off the floor. Please oh please I hope I never have to learn about the biting!! So far so good, I’ve gotten little nibbles, but nothing ice worthy. Ouch!
Oh, the infamous poop in the tub trick.
You def know you’re a Mommy when you just scoop it out with your hand.
THATS when you have joined the club!
Yeouch. You poor girl.
With my Boy, he bit me ONCE and I screamed and he cried and it never happened again, even though he nursed for another year.
With my Baby, she bit me ONCE and I screamed and she laughed and she bit me OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN. That KID.
Sigh….
the life of a mama.
What a day! I hate to admit I laughed at your misfortunes but it’s only because I can relate. Well, with the food and tub scenarios. I chickened out and stopped breast feeding before teeth came in.
Oh the fun! I am so not jealous!
Ouch, I am not looking forward to my baby getting his teeth and cleaning up poop, I know all about that……
Jenn
Sadly, I admit that I got a good laugh at your expense. You pretty much summed up life as a mom. I had to do the tub poop scoop for my nephew when he was little, so far my son has not gone there - yet. Hope tomorrow is a better day.
So glad I am not the only one maximizing my time checking my pores while my son bathes. Sorry you had to deal with crap and clamped boob.
Your post was well delivered. Great writing!
And yet, I’m sure we both know that could be considered a good day compared to some of the others that have come before it and likely ones to come after…
I’d forgotten I have biting to look forward to. Damn.
Ah yes, the joys of mommyhood.
I often find myself wondering how I became the one who has been relegated to cleaing up food, vomit, poo and the like.
Surely I’m the envy of working women everywhere. At least that’s what I tell myself to get through the day!
I’m with Darcie. How do we get relegated to all the grossy stuff?
My 20 month old threw up yesterday, and my husband asked if I needed his help. I said, “No… well, yeah… you could try to keep her in the bathroom.” (She was still barfing!)
He sat at the computer and read his e-mail. Nice.
Oh Beth, what a day. Ouch to the nursing and … to the tub, too.