Yesterday I got to thinking. It was 9:30am and I’d already unloaded the dishwasher. I’d set up an activity for the boys. I’d made breakfast. I’d changed diapers. I congratulated myself, as I usually do, on the most mundane and monotonous of tasks. And as I thought about what I had done so far and what was in store, I wondered how I define my own success each day. Is it by the number of chores I complete? The amount of time I spend with my kids? How I fulfill my role as a wife? What time, if any, I manage to get in for myself?

I know that in the grand scheme of things we can define our success by how our children turn out, how happy the family is, how fulfilled we feel at the end of each day, but I think for many of us we need something a bit more tangible to latch onto in order to keep us going. It’s not like we have quarterly job evaluations or regular positive feedback. If we don’t see obvious examples every day of how we are doing through our children’s behavior, for example, how do we create that sense of fulfillment as we go to bed each night? How do we weigh how we are doing in our jobs as mothers?

I decided to list everything I considered to be an accomplishment for the day, to see where it led me in figuring this out. And before I begin the list, I’ll say that I will try and not include every single thing, but only those that I noted as tasks that are not completed each and every day (so feeding the kids breakfast, for example, will not be on the list despite the fact that every day that I accomplish this I do give myself a little pat on the back).

• Unloaded the dishwasher before 9:30am.
• Set up a “restaurant” with pots and pans, kitchen utensils, and empty food containers. I was WAY more into this activity than the kids were - it lasted like 5 minutes. Although . . .
• Cleaned out a cabinet of baby bottles that are not being used. Robby came in while I was doing this and wanted one, so I cleaned the baby bottles and filled them with water for both the boys. THIS provided them with about 45 minutes of amusement as they drank water from baby bottles and “fed” each other.
• Put up my de-lurking post as boys slurped water and ate raisins.
• Responded to several emails and sent out two invitations for playdates with friends we’ve not seen in a while.
• Vacuumed the dining room, playroom, and stairs.
• Got Robby down for his nap before meltdown.
• Washed and folded two loads of laundry (but did not put away, simply added to the folded piles of the two previous loads of laundry).
• Made oatmeal cookies with Sam while Robby napped.
• Showered and brushed teeth.
• Ate somewhat decent lunch.
• Began draft of this post during “quiet time.”
• Narrowly escaped the burning of second batch of cookies while writing this.
• In general, avoided major meltdowns and tantrums. No one was hysterical for any significant period of time (yes, this is a MAJOR accomplishment and the only way I can account for most of the afternoon).
• Made healthy dinner that 2/4 people ate.
• Eventually put away 3 out of 4 loads of laundry, left one in dryer.
• Edited and submitted an essay for publication in local paper. (It was already rejected by this morning, btw.)
• Graduated to medium level on Guitar Hero - Legends of Rock.

In the grand scheme of things, this is a pretty successful day for me, I think. But how quickly I jump to noticing what is missing from it as soon as I am done. For example, I didn’t get the kids out for an activity. It was like 20 degrees outside and I typically do more chores on Mondays - it’s like our stay home and take care of the house day. And so that’s a trade-off. (Should I add “successfully rationalize not leaving the house” to the list?) The kids and I haven’t been out of the house, but I also have several more “tasks completed” on my list as far as chores than I normally would.

And isn’t that how it always is? Everything is a trade-off, a balance.

When I look at this list I can separate it into categories based on for who I did each thing - for the kids, for my family in general, for myself, for a combination of us. This day appears to be a little heavy on the “myself” side because there were several writing tasks I worked on (assuming we include blog-related stuff) and while many of the chores benefit my family, I would say they are ultimately for me to feel more satisfied with myself. I do these things so that I can add them to my mental list of what I have accomplished each day, because sometimes I feel like I need to be able to account for what I did in order to have a sense of success. A load of laundry is a task completed, while playing with the kids can be very vague despite its being much more rewarding. Not to mention the fact that I also need a break from the playing. Sorry, but I can’t build train tracks all day without going insane.

However, when I look back over my list, it is not my efficiency with the laundry or the dishes that stand out as the accomplishments for which I am the most proud - those are just tasks that allow us to continue to function, I suppose. Were I to choose, I would probably select baking the cookies with Sam, submitting the essay (despite the immediate rejection), and Guitar Hero, not because of the game itself, but because it means I was able to both complete my essay and spend time with Hubby in one evening and still get to bed before midnight.

So when I break that down, I have one accomplishment that mainly benefited Sam and me, one for me, and one for Hubby and me. So Robby got the shaft. I made up for that this morning by trying to spend quality time with Robby looking at the birds outside while Sam was at school.

Balance. Is that all there is to it? If I manage to do a little something for everyone, including myself each day, is that the key to feeling satisfied come nightfall? Conversely, if too much emphasis is placed on one person (myself, my husband, one child) does that create a feeling of failure? Maybe. Perhaps I should put my theory to the test. If nothing else, listing my accomplishments each day can’t be that bad for self-esteem.

And I suppose it makes sense. As moms we are family managers, caregivers, chefs, nurses, wives, maids, teachers, etc., not to mention those things we are trying to fulfill for ourselves alone. Perhaps our best indication of success is by how well we balance all of these roles.

What about you? How do you know when you have done a good job at the end of the day? What are the signs or accomplishments that make you feel most satisfied?