A public apology to my husband
Hubby, I am sorry. I am sorry that on any given day of the week you are able, with 96% accuracy, to predict what I am going to wear. Furthermore, I am sorry that this is not due to some complex OCD schedule of ‘the green shirt on Tuesday and the black stripes on Wednesday’ I have going but instead, is because you just have to think of what I wore the day before…because I wear the same thing every. single. day. I am even more sorry that apparently my current one outfit leaves much to be desired. When a friend came over for a playdate the other day, after not seeing me since before the holidays, she took one look at me and exclaimed, “Wow! Pregnant!” Great. Just great.
It’s true, at 9 weeks I look like I am in my second trimester already and this outfit, my one outfit, does happen to consist of oversized maternity clothes. And when I took a good look in the mirror I saw that she was indeed being extremely generous because I did not, in fact, look pregnant; I just looked really fat.
And so, Hubby, I am sorry. I am sorry that I have looked like a heifer for the past week and a half. I promise not to wear that awful plaid maternity shirt from Old Navy anymore, at least not until it actually fits, and we will both pray that that day does not come because man, if that thing ever actually fits my body I will have surpassed the 50 pound (that’s right 50!) weight gain that I had when pregnant with Sam. I don’t think it’s even a maternity shirt really, it’s just a really really big shirt that they put in the maternity section. Oh, but it matters not - it’s gone. It’s folded and placed neatly on top of the overalls that I sported for my entire third trimester. It was so unfortunate when I saw pictures of myself in those overalls. Hubby, why didn’t you tell me? You have to TELL ME these things. Just like when I saw my reflection in the rear view mirror the other day and it was really well lit, and I gasped to see what has happened to my eyebrows. You have to tell me when the arch part is gone and has been taken over by tiny rogue hair buds! Come to think of it, why the hell didn’t you tell me how awful that shirt looked?! How could you let me leave the house like that?! Do you want me to look like a heifer or is it that you’ve just given up?! I am not a heifer, damn it, not yet at least. We’re a good 30 pounds away from true cow state so you keep your eyes peeled and when I walk out in a tent and a unibrow you best be opening your mouth and ducking!
LMAO. Fellow heifer here! I could have written this post.
I am currently wearing maternity jeans (that actually fit - scary) and a way-too-big maternity shirt that I am embarrased to be wearing to work today and will definitely not wear again until I actually FIT into it. I’m definitely in that in-between stage where I look more fat than pregnant. Woo-hoo!
Oh, and my eyebrows? They are so bushy! I am way overdue for a wax but have been too sick to go in for one. I don’t even wear make-up anymore.
So, um, correction…UGLY, FRUMPY heifer here (and damn proud of it!)
Ha ha ha ha ha. Oh my. I so feel your pain.
My hubby never says anything either, and I found out much too late that the maternity pants that I thought fit looked like they’d been painted on. Hang in there. The fat-but-not showing stage is almost over.
Oh, yeah. I’m SURE he’s eager to tell you that you look anything less than “glowing” right now!!
Truly, I feel for you. I hate that stage where you look fat, not pregnant. Oh, and you’re tired and fatigued so you have no desire to even shower, let alone pick out clothing and put on makeup.
Hang in there. This too shall pass.
I wore two shirts (actually three if you count the horrifice oversized t shirt I got at a Walk for the Blind that had a huge glow in the dark eye on it) my whole pregnancy. Don’t worry about it, we all do it! I think our husbands are smart enough to keeop their mouths shut, imagine if they DID actually say something, oh the wrath that would follow!!!
Ha! I totally love how you managed to spin an apology into being his fault. My husband accuses me of doing that all the time but really it only happens when I’m premenstrual or pregnant. Good luck with the clothes. I remember my co-teachers laughing at me cause I was SO eager to start wearing maternity clothes when I first started to show. They knew better than I how much I would LOATHE those same clothes six months later.
You are so funny. It sounds like your husband is a smart man. I thought that one of the benefits of a second pregnancy was that husbands have learned some of the rules of pregnancy: You know things like…’Take food cravings seriously, and respond to them IMMEDIATELY’ and “NEVER tell a pregnant woman she looks anything less than perfect in that circus tent she has been wearing for the last four days.’
I find the best place to groom eyebrows is actually in the car, because that’s when you see the um, rogues. I finally decided mine looked better “fuller” because a) they actually did and b) I’m a lazy-butt.
PS I only recommend tweezing while stopped at a light, by the way, otherwise you could poke out an eye.
You are so not a heifer!!!!!
(ps: the purchaser of the toilet paper was the mom of one of the boys. yikes.)
I so hated that in-between stage. Just make me look pregnant, already!!!! Such the funny post.
Thanks for the laugh. I needed that today. I am sure your husband thinks you are cute and not at all heifer-like. Or if he doesn’t, I do.
Umm Beth …. isn’t your hubby a lawyer or something along those lines? If so, then he is obviously smart enough to know that he has no chance of winning this debate irregardless if he tells the “whole truth” or not.
I looked fat - not pregnant from 9 weeks up until 20 weeks. Only then did my rounded belly start to show off to those who just speculated. And dear lord, I had to wear the maternity pants and loose blouses just for the sake of comfort to work. NOTHING could touch my stomach!!
Who claims that pregnancy is fun anyways??
PS - I have just noticed that I have developed a nice double looking like chin. When I pointed it out to my hubby, his response: Oh. And here I was thinking that you were doing really well with this pregnancy because you couldn’t tell it in your face. Total weight gain in first pregnancy: 55 lbs and that was giving birth at 33 weeks. Total weight gain to date: 30 lbs and I am 33 weeks, 2 days. Somehow I feel fatter this go around though ….
If you discover the secret to looking good while pregnant, please pass it onto me to save face for these remaining few weeks.
*grin*
thanks for the grin– great post, ha ha ha!!
LOL I was laughing my head off. Great Blog
1. Overalls are killers. I had to throw mine away after explaining for the 3rd time that NO I’M NOT PREGNANT.
2. I had a maternity shirt like that. Even now I can put it on and instantly look like I’m about to deliver twins.
3. You are cracking me up.
Very funny post! Good luck trying to find things to wear as you grow… I think that was one of the hardest parts of pregnancy… never. fitting. anything.
Ha! I’m trying to keep my soup from coming out of my nose! NOTHING fit me right when I was pregnant - my normal clothes were too small and maternity stuff was just weird. I ended up wearing loooow jeans and t-shirts most of the time…
Oh, no… not the pregnant overalls!
oh girl - I am sure it is not as bad as all that! but yes - I did the overall thing too. But I never saw myself in a picture in them, so I can only imagine what I looked like.
Just droppin by to say hello. Know any kids who would like to draw me a picture of a fire truck or anything fire-related to post on my blog??
I’m supposed to NOT wear the same clothes all the time? Sheesh. Now you tell me. I have basically a uniform - jeans, long sleeve t - that I wear every day without fail (different shirts and jeans, but the same basic outfit). Sometimes, to break up the monotony, I throw on a sweater. Sex-ay!
Hope you’re feeling good!
I bow to you for issuing an apology to your husband for everybody to read. I should apologize to my wife, too. She can predict almost 99 percent of the time what I will be wearing when we’re going outside: jogging pants and a sprinkle of her perfume.
Mike
http://somethingaboutparenting.typepad.com/
Oh Beth, I can feel your pain. For the first four months of my pregnancy, I think I had about 3 outfits. And, I refused to wear makeup. My husband, being the loving soul that he is, didn’t mention this to me. ARGH!
Congrats on the new site! ~~~~I know, it’s been awhile already…
Oh this brings back memories. Heck, I feel that way today, and I’m not pregnant. Sista’ thanks for the laugh, good writing!
Ya got a problem with heifers, huh? Lol. And don’t feel bad - I gained 60, yes 6-0-, with Sasha.