Wherein the Burger King picks me up by the collar and smacks me around a while
THE BURGER KING (as in, the King of Burgers): Pssssst. Beth. Beee-eeeeththththth.
ME: Shut up Burger King. Don’t even start. You know we’ve sworn you off in our house. You’re not good for anyone - not my kids, not my ass, and certainly not the planet. So just don’t even start with me, all right? Get your freaky mass murderer mascot mask off my shoulder.
BK: But Beth, Hubby’s not coming home tonight. He gets to go to a football game while you stay home with the kids for like 20 hours by yourself . . . don’t you owe it to yourself, and to the children, to take a break and have it your way?
ME: I dunno BK. I mean, I’d have to get everyone out the door to come and see you . . .
BK: That’s a good thing, Beth! You’ll have them both contained in the car for the worst part of the day - the last few hours are the worst. You guys will all have some down time in the car and it will make bedtime arrive that much quicker.
ME: I dun . . .
BK: The drive-thru, Beth, come to the DRIVE-THRU. You won’t even have to get out of the car with them.
ME: That’s true; you do have a drive-thru.
BK: Please, Beth. You owe it to yourself to not have to cook dinner tonight with two screaming children at your feet next to a hot stove when no one is coming to save you until 2:00am. Come to me, Beth.
ME: All right, BK, all right. (yelling aloud) Sam! Do you want to go get chicken tenders?
SAM: No, not weawy.
ME: Yes you do. Let’s go.
15 minutes later
ME: What the hell, BK! There’s a line of like 8 cars up there! I thought I was your girl. Who else have you been talking to tonight?
BK: Don’t worry sweetie, you’re my girl. It’s only you, Baby. None of those others mean anything to me. But, oh, watch out, that crazy one there is backing her car up into you . . . (crunch)
ME: No effing way.
FRAZZLED BK PATRON: (stepping out of her car) Oh, I think that was my fault.
ME: Yes. Seeing as my car was stationary as I waited in line, I would say you are correct.
The BURGER KING does a stupid dance in the parking lot as FRAZZLED BK PATRON and I exchange information.
FRAZZLED BK PATRON: I just was going to back out because the line is just so long . . .
ME: Yes, I understand completely.
ROBBY screams because the car is not moving. SAM laughs and points because for some reason he thinks FRAZZLED BK PATRON “is weawy funny.”
20 minutes later and back in the line of cars with all of the other ladies BK has swindled tonight
BK: See, I told you this trip would kill some time. It’s practically bedtime now!
ME: Shut up, BK.
SAM: Mommy, I’m huuuungry. Make the cars MOOOOOVVVVEEE!
BK: Get the kid’s meal, Beth. You owe it to your son. He’s been waiting so patiently. Go ahead, get him the chocolate milk/french fry/toy combo. You never give the kid french fries for goodness sake. He’s just a child and dont’ you owe it to him to . . .
ME: All right, BK, all right! Just shut up, I can’t even hear the woman through this ridiculous intercom system you’ve set up. I can’t understand a word she’s saying!
approximately 20 minutes later, when we have finally inched to the window to retrieve our food
SAM: Can I have my toy? What is my toy? Give me my toy.
ME: Yeah, honey. Here you go . . .what . . . wait, what is this thing . . . a . . .what . . .BK, you have got to be freaking kidding me. A CONFETTI MAKER?!
BK: What? It’s for crafting.
ME: You give me a freaking confetti maker to bring into my house? Why don’t you just walk on in and scatter glitter all over the floor? Or maybe some static-charged packing peanuts? If you could drop some dried play doh pieces into the carpet that would be awesome too. Thanks a freaking bundle, BK, for this glorified hole-puncher!
BK: I just want Sam to have a creative outlet. Don’t you think you owe it to your child . . .
ME: Shut up, BK. Just shut up.
HYS-FREAKIN’-TERICAL! And made funnier yet by the fact that my husband brought the King HOME for all of us last night!
Do you think BK is talking in all our ears this week?
Um, oh dear… Did you really get into an accident in a DRIVE-THRU?!?
I hate it when the voices in my head get all bat-shit crazy like that…
Tracey - Yes, yes I did. She pulled up into the line. I pulled up behind her. She changed her mind about waiting and backed right up into me.
See, you can write great dialog (one act play). I knew it!
Yeah, that BK guy is evil-weird. That picture is great! I really thought maybe you and hubby got costumes for a minute.
BK is evil!! You must stay strong and fight him the next time he shows his crown.
BTW, thanks so much for giving me feet hope. It seems everywhere I read talks about how it’s inevitable my feet will swell and then stay 1/2 size bigger. It’s nice to hear that, that is not always the case.
Although it doesn’t sound like the best experience you have a very humorous way of writing about it! I love the picture, it’s too perfect.
This is funny!!
I think it needs to be done as a skit somewhere for Mom’s who need some comic relief!
Happy Friday!
That is hilarious.
The 30 days of nothing is really good right about now, huh?
You’re soooo funny! Sorry ’bout the car accident…ours got backed into just yesterday as well.
Once again, thanks for the laugh! You are so funny! Being a mom has definitely taught me that NOTHING EVER GOES AS PLANNED!
OMG… I am hysterical right now. Your hubby soooo owes you a night out. I hope the BK at least tasted yummy. I’m a fan of the Whopper myself.
Oh, how I loved this post. I have been known to run through BK or other similar evil empires when we are running late or hubby won’t be home. The last time we went? The TOY was a freaking book on CD. Seriously, a story on CD. They need to test these ideas. Have the freaking moron who came up with that idea ride in the car home with the 2 screaming kids waiting for their TOY. When they finally got over the yelling they wanted to watch what they thought was a movie. No, kids. Sorry. A book. On CD. Nice.
Oh that happened to me once too! Someone backed up into me in a drive-thru. We had to get the guy who was working the window to be a witness for our insurance company.
Heh. Hee hee hee! This happened a few weeks ago with my stupid ex named Carls Jr.
Aaaaand then Pearl waited till we were locked in line and PUKED everywhere. Really… coulda been a little worse.
But a CONFETTI MAKER!!?? Geesh!
I think this is my favorite post you’ve ever written. So. Freakin’. Funny.
Oh that was funny and sadly all too true for many of us! I have evil Ronald McDonald talking in my ear lately. I agree that this should be a be a One Act play for moms. Boo, Hiss on the confetti maker!
Holy crap, I just laughed my butt off!
HAHAHAHAHA!
Stupid BK. Thank goodness I watched Fast Food Nation,and am able to remain untempted by drive through for the past 17 months…stay strong Brittany!
I am a first time reader and I think I just fell in love!
Oh dear.
You know, if I lived anywhere NEAR a Burger King, I would live entirely on Whoppers. So you’re better people than me.
It’s Sunday night, the first one in our new apartment and I’m so glad I just read this. In fact BK called to me today. Luckily hubby walked there and brought back our dinner, only having to endure the BK employee laughing at the american way he prounounced burger. I guess he should say boorgehr. The girls would not go to sleep, but reading your blog (and a half pint of hard cider at the local wi-fi bar) is helping put things into perspective. Hang in there. -D
i can barely type i’m laughing so hard
Oh I am sitting here trying SO HARD not to laugh. You see, my husband is sitting here reading a book. And it’s 11:27 at night. And my typing alone is too loud, so the laughing, the laughing is not good. And the baby is lying here…or is it laying? I never remember. Maybe you could set me straight. But I’m laughing, so I have to go now.
You should write a book. I’d buy it! Great post. I can’t believe you got into a fender bender! The other day at McDonald’s I left space in the drive thru for this guy who was going to pull into a space. Only he pulled in, then backed out and cut in front of me in line! I was shocked!! We should probably ban drive thrus!
Great story! So sorry about the accident. THAT is NOT funny.
But the rest surely was. Loved it!
Brilliant!!!! awesome. Love it.
That was absolutely hilarious. Thanks for the laugh!
Jen