Trail
Did you ever just have the feeling that something was off? I’m going to tell you right up front that nothing awful happens in this story, but it really got me thinking.
The other day I was walking to a park with the boys, Robby in the stroller and Sam walking a bit ahead. We were taking a trail to a playground that is nestled in some woods and is fairly secluded. We’ve been there many times, and often are the only ones, but occasionally other moms or grandparents with children are there, and often we see people walking dogs and so forth. I’ve never been scared while there, despite the isolated location.
But as we walked yesterday, we were heading down the trail and I started thinking to myself for absolutely no reason that I understood - what if we ran into someone right now? What if it was the wrong person? There’s no one else around . . . - and this is what I was thinking when Sam got around a bend about ten feet ahead, and as I came around the tree that was blocking my view there was this man. Holding a huge stick. He was walking sort of slowly and carrying a plastic bag, and he looked at me in a strange way. Something didn’t feel right. And Sam was already past him, so I needed to continue past as well. But after I walked by him I completely and totally envisioned turning around again to see him getting ready to hit me with the stick. I was surprised when I instead saw his back, still slowly walking away, but very aware of me still.
We got to the end of the trail and to the playground, but I was still freaked out, so I looked back down the path to see what he was doing. And he was hovering around the area where we’d intersected. He was sort of poking at the ground with the stick. Picking up another stick, not walking any further away. And I was torn. I knew it was probably nothing. He was probably using the stick to pick up trash and that’s what the plastic bag was for, and I started the long process of rationalizing something in order to not overreact. I mean, how could I think so poorly of someone who was most likely cleaning the park of trash? Except that he didn’t look like the type of person to be doing something like that . . . and I couldn’t see any physical reason that he should be walking so slowly . . .
I remembered this show I saw long ago - I have no idea what it was - but I remember it was about following one’s instincts. The man on the show, who must have written a book or something, was talking about how humans are the only species that will walk into a dangerous situation, ignoring our instincts, because we are worried about appearing judgmental or offending someone. A woman will step into an elevator at night, an enclosed, trapped space, despite the fact that a man stands in there who makes the hairs on the back of her neck stand up, and she’ll do it so that she does not feel or seem like she is making an assumption about the man based on his appearance. Any other animal would run.
I turned back again and saw that the man was still hovering there. And so I got Sam and threw him in the stroller and ran up the hill away from the trail and toward a parking lot and a busy road. I plotted a new route home that would avoid the trail altogether and tried to come up with reasons to tell Sam for why we just walked by the playground and would not be going there.
I realize this was probably nothing. But there was a chance, just a tiny little chance that it was. I had that moment at the edge of the trail where I almost decided to override my feelings and stay at the playground. But why? Considering the cost had I been wrong?
I’m still off. Not because I still think that something was actually going to happen, but because it forced me to envision the possibility. That moment walking by this man who happened to have a huge stick - it was like the kinds of things I used to picture after first becoming a mom. I was always picturing things happening to me in front of Sam as a baby, things that would scar him for life, or me being knocked out and waking up to find him gone. This was just like that, only two feet away as I had to walk by.
When I used to have those visions it obviously made me very anxious. Hubby told me to finish the story in my head by somehow playing the hero and saving myself and Sam by kicking the guy or finding a weapon or outrunning the enemy. I don’t have an ending to picture for this, because the fact of the matter is I was in the situation and was way too close.
I don’t know when we’ll go back to that playground. I don’t want to live in fear, certainly, but I’m not going to walk down a trail with my heart thumping either. I still haven’t been able to come up with how I would have played the hero on that trail.
I think you were already the hero, safely removing your children from harms way whether it was real or just suspected. You did the right thing! So glad there was an alternate exit from the park.
You were right to get out of there. Always go with your gut instinct.
I was reading another blog, Crazy Aunt Purl (www.crazyauntpurl.com), last week and she posted about something similar. She had the following on her blog:
“Security expert Gavin De Becker wrote a book called The Gift of Fear. I haven’t read the book but I heard him speak once, and he told this story about a woman standing waiting for an elevator and when the elevator doors open she sees a man inside the elevator who gives her the heebie jeebies (I am paraphrasing of course.) Mr. De Becker said the woman will get on that elevator nine times out of ten because she tells herself, “Oh, I’m just being silly, I don’t want to be rude.” In an instant she’ll begin to make excuses, justifications in her mind and so she smiles and then she gets on the elevator.
He says that we are the only ones in the animal kingdom who will get into a steel enclosed soundproof box with a man who makes us feel unsafe — all because we think we should give him the benefit of the doubt, and we don’t want to be rude.”
I completely BELIEVE in trusting our instincts - and the Gift Of Fear book that Katia mentioned has really reinforced that for me. If someone strikes you as being dangerous, THEY LIKELY ARE. Good for you, protecting your kids and keeping yourself safe.
You are exactly right. We are all trained out of politically correct-ness and being polite to others and authority… and this throws our instincts out the window. Or weakens them so that when we DO need to use them, they are not strong enough or we do not hear them like we should. We do this with complete strangers, doctors, etc. And in doing so we could essentially be putting ourselves or our children in danger.
You did the right thing, Beth. Whether it turned into anything or not, you made the right choice and I do believe your instinct will be at heightened senses now because of it!
Steph
Always go with the “gut”feeling. I had the experience with an elevator once and the guy inside gave me a funny feeling. I didn’t get inside. It really freaked me out. Always be aware of your surroundings. It is some of the best protection you can have.
That’s so scary, Beth. I agree–you did the heroic thing by getting the heck out of there.
Yes, Katia and Beck - I must have heard him on a show, probably Oprah, because the steel box (elevator) is what I remember him talking about. I obviously paraphrased quite a bit, but I remembered the sentiment/point, and I suppose that’s what’s important. I’ll be sure and check out that blog post as well. Thanks - I knew you guys would know what I was talking about!
Along with every one else, I agree that you performed pre-emptive heroism. If you are further creeped out, I would suggest that you purchase some pepper spray… a good idea in general, as it will stop both animal and human with very little permanent damage if any. Also as it affects the mucus as opposed to the nervous system, it’ll stop the rabid as well as the drugged out… a thing that Mace will NOT do.
Just make sure that you go far away from everyone, hold your breath and test it before you rely on it. It’ll give you a good idea of the actual reach and spray pattern of the spray. And umm… make sure you do it so the breeze is blowing away from you.
Oh… and don’t leave the canister in a hot car on a hot day. BOOM!
you were so right to get out of there. I hate to echo every other comment but yes… although I’ve been guilty of just moving ahead into a situation which instilled an odd sense of fear in me.
He was on Oprah! And I swear by what he said! I’d rather be wrong than right… and not have made the right move. Y’know? Another thing he said that has stuck with me is:
Ask the HARD questions!
It’s so true… sometimes we just don’t ask the hard questions because they’re uncomfortable to talk about. But whether they answer the question wrong or right… you get the sense you need in their reaction to you asking it!
Another sububuran middle of the day parkgoer here and I totally get that fear. My phone is always right there, but so far the biggest excitement has been chasing off some neighborhood hooligans. You did the right thing.
Way to listen to your instincts.
Bring a cell phone. Bring mace. Carry a sharp umbrella or something to defend yourself with. If you ever feel threatened, bend down and pull it out as you have to pass the person in question. Also, call your husband or SOMEONE and put the cell phone on speaker phone, announcing WHERE you are and how you’re heading to “blah blah blah” right now, see you in a few minutes…
This can deter someone who might have bad ideas from choosing YOU. It can also make you feel in control. More powerful and less vulnerable.
I’m with you on this. I too have learned to trust my instinct. But it does have to be held in tension, so that fear doesn’t cause me to never leave my home!
However, instinct (especially one of the mother kind!) is pretty accurate. He could have been trying to keep his little area of the trail clean, but he was also acting strange enough to warrant suspicion…When I am with my kids (or even alone, for all it’s worth!) I listen to that inner voice. Because we are worth it!
I agree that it was good to get out of there. But I know I have done something similar, where I didn’t want to offend and stayed in a situation that made me uncomfortable. But with kids, no taking any chances.
Great Post, I kirstied it.
Jenn
You did the right thing. Better safe than … well who knows and let’s not go there.
have read your blog a couple of times, but this is my first comment. and this was a very important post for all your readers. I, also, have seen a show where a gentleman was discussing how women sometimes do not go with their instincts b/c they do not want to appear rude. every since that show, I do not second guess any fear instincts. I know I do not mean to be rude, but my life and most importantly my son’s safety is first priority. you did the right thing! its not about living in fear, its living safe and enjoying your time with your family. there is no reason for you to every feel fear on a walk to the park with your family. find another play area
or get a large play group to meet at that park. btw, I totally agree with the first comment. your story has ended with you being the hero and removing you and your children from harms way.
thanks again. I’ll be back! I see you are a Philly mom too
I know you’ve heard this already but you totally did the right thing. You just never know!
That is so creepy, Beth. I think you did the right thing, and I like the idea of you thinking of yourself as the hero of the story anyway. Men should not be hanging around playgrounds alone if they don’t want people being freaked out by them. Sometimes if I have a funny feeling I will get out my cell phone and call someone, or even just pretend to be talking to someone. This is a good reminder to be aware of our surroundings!
This is probably the worst time in your life to suggest trying to take a martial art - due to lack of time. Even try to find out about a short self defense course (if you haven’t already taken one.)
I have to say for myself that knowing TaeKwon Do has given me comfort and confidence that I wouldn’t otherwise have. That is NOT to say that I think I’m invincible but whenever I find myself in a situation like that I not only have the ability to get the heck out of there I also have a hundred potential self defense moves running through my head and ready to use if absolutely necessary. When I have taught self defense courses I always tell people to trust their instincts. That’s why we have them.
Anyway, I think you’d be AMAZING at any martial art that you might choose and along with learning how to defend yourself (and your loved ones) it’s so much fun and a great work out!
I think it’s better to risk hurting someone’s feelings than risk tragedy.
Instincts should be respected like any of our senses. We don’t deny what we see because we are censoring our eyes. Yet we deny what we feel in our core because it may not be very nice or comfortable. Ridiculous!
I don’t always obey my instincts, though. I should. This is a great reminder.
I do think you were already the hero. And I think you are continuing to be by sharing your experience because something you said actually hits home with me more than ever before.
I’ve understood the concept of “bad vibes” or “heebie jeebies” or whatever you want to call it - just knowing and feeling, to the depth of your core, that someone is bad.
But what you said about this brought it home to me (allow me to quote you):
“A woman will step into an elevator at night, an enclosed, trapped space, despite the fact that a man stands in there who makes the hairs on the back of her neck stand up, and she’ll do it so that she does not feel or seem like she is making an assumption about the man based on his appearance. Any other animal would run.”
Any other animal would run.
Any other animal would trust their instincts, their capability of scenting or intuiting badness. It makes me wonder how many victims of crimes didn’t listen to that little voice.
Thank you so much for this post.
Tamara
ModernGearTV.com
Very creepy for sure.
I like the idea of pepper spray. I’ve also heard of women carrying air horns (those super loud things people use at football games sometimes).
So glad that this story had a good ending. You totally did the right thing.
Better safe than sorry, right?? I would have done the same thing. You have to think about your kids and yourself first.
My neighbors have two big dogs and one of them jumped up and put his paws on my shoulders and tried to bite me in the face! I remember thinking even as it was happening, “Oh, he’s being friendly” even though I instinctively wanted to back away and I was trying to be nice because I was talking to my neighbors..
Luckily he had one of those muzzle things on and couldn’t open his jaws up wide enough but he still left a mark and it taught me to go with what I feel - if it had been one of my kids and he bit them? Unforgivable.
I know how that feels! I have twin toddlers that I can hardly keep up with- so any suspicious person at the park causes me leave too!
Beth, that is very scary, and I think you did the right thing. This story reminds me of when I was a child and that same intuition helped me avoid being kidnapped. I may have to share that story now, just to further remind people to always trust your instincts.