Oh, Right, That Whole Village Thing
Have you ever felt resentful of another adult directing or reprimanding your child? How can you say “no,” right? It’s very uncomfortable for us mothers, I think, for a whole host of reasons.
I’m nearly finished with Buddhism For Mothers, which I previously wrote about here, and I came across a passage that really made me rethink how I might respond when faced with that situation. In this particular section the author was discussing how our children are not “under our control” as much as they are “in our protection.” She cites a quote from a mother of a three-year-old boy who said:
“I used to feel very territorial about raising my son. I resented any friends or relations telling him what to do. . . . I’ve come to understand over time that I don’t own my son. He’s not my property. He in fact belongs to a community of people who love him and want the best for him. People who have just as much right as me to teach him about consideration of others and what is appropriate behavior. I’ve managed to let go somewhat and allow him to be raised by all the people who care about him.”
I find this pretty fascinating, even though it should be obvious. We’ve all heard the term “It takes a village,” and I would be hard-pressed to find a mother who doesn’t recognize that we are not perfect individuals. Our culture has changed a lot, and the days of raising children together along with extended family, sisters, and members of our community has been lost. But surely we know that our children can learn so much from our friends and families. And yet, who has not felt that pang when we overhear or watch another adult help our children to learn what is appropriate?
I know for me it is very much about feeling sensitive about what these people are thinking of my abilities. I worry that they are thinking badly of me since I am the mother of the child who needs to have these things explained to him - like the fact that my child still needs to be taught about what is appropriate is some sort of poor reflection on the job I am doing. But why? I don’t think anyone believes that a child is born into this world knowing everything they need to know. And so why would I assume that someone who is explaining something to one of my children is assuming the worst about my ability to mother? And if they are, well, I suppose that’s their problem then, isn’t it? Because guess what - a child isn’t born into this world knowing everything they need to know.
All of this is, of course, assuming that the adult in question is making their points in a respectful and appropriate manner - there is a line that should not be crossed between “the village” and “the parents,” I suppose. But if they are doing a good job of it, I’m going to try very hard to not take it personally anymore. I’ll not assume it is some sort of attack on my mad parenting skillz and instead, take it for what I hope it is: someone who cares about my children and wants the best for them assisting me in my endeavor to make them well-rounded individuals. And gosh, it’s hopefully one less time I’ll have to tell my kids to pick up their toys, right?
You know, you really hit the nail on the head. THAT’S why it bothers me when sometimes someone else reprimands my child. Not that it wasn’t warranted, but that it’s somehow a judgment on my parenting. Hm. Interesting thoughts. I agree that we’ve lost that village mentality in our current culture, and I’m pretty sure kids were better off for it when those other than their parents took a vested interest in their upbringing.
I really love this idea but so agree on the judgment that I think is aimed at me…food for thought without a doubt. Thanks for sharing.
I quote that a lot too, it takes a village. My parents live really close so they are around to raise him a lot. So I don’t have a problem with them reprimanding him. I do have a hard time with it, if it’s someone I don’t know, that’s not good. They don’t love him like our family and friends do.
Jenn
I know I’ve spoken up to put other people’s kids in line, and people have done it to mine. I don’t think it’s a reflection of a parent’s bad parenting as much as it is that children know what buttons to push and sometimes act in a way to their parents (usually mom) that they wouldn’t attempt with anyone else. I’ve seen kids who should know better (e.g. 10 year olds) really acting out and bossing their moms around, and I’ve stood up for the moms when they didn’t stand up for themselves. (e.g. “If your pencil is broken, go get another one yourself. Your mom is busy doing XYZ.”) I do know that having other people calmly reason with my (I’ll say it) “whiney twin” has helped stop her from clinging and fussing to me and just do what she’s been asked to do and is totally capable of doing. (Like putting her shoes away.) Sometimes it really does take a village!
For me, it all comes down to the situation. If a family member is stopping my child from hurting someone else, being cruel, or being unsafe, I have absolutely no problem. They do it with love.
For a stranger to step into a situation where no one is being hurt emotionally or physically, but they feel my kids aren’t “acting” properly, that can get touchy.
But we do need to stop projecting ourselves onto our kids. THEIR bad behavior doesn’t mean WE are bad parents.
My problem is when it is someone that I don’t feel SHOULD be reprimanding my child. There are a lot of people out there who just don’t know any better and their mouths are always open and going.
I don’t know everything, and it’s true, there’s a little sting when I have to hear someone else telling my kids something. But if it’s warranted, let’s all learn and move on.
I haven’t read the previous comments yet, so please forgive me if I repeat what someone else has already said.
If we move beyond ourselves a little bit more (even more past not being offended when someone reprimands our children), we can see that it can also be GOOD for our children to hear those lessons coming from another trusted adult (or sometimes even a strange adult if the child’s behavior is potentially dangerous). Have you ever noticed that your kids just don’t listen to a particular lesson you’ve been trying to teach, but then they suddenly soak it in as soon as someone else says it? It’s got to be a good thing for our kids to learn that there are many people who love them and are there to help them navigate this life–people they can trust to have their best interest at heart and that they can turn to when they need help or advice that maybe we as parents can’t give them.
It’s sometimes a difficult pill to swallow, especially when our kids get called down for a behavior that we’ve ignored or haven’t noticed. But our kids are here to learn about their world…not just from their parents.
I have never had anyone reprimand my kid for something that I wouldn’t reprimand him for myself. Kids do dumb things, no matter how often they are told not to. Kids don’t do smart things, no matter how often or gently we remind them they need to be done.
I send my kid with my inlaws so he can be exposed to things that do not happen in my house. Different foods, different pets, different schedules, different beliefs and practices. He is reprimanded less harshly by grandma than he is by me, but I’m okay with that. His grandfather gets annoyed at the “little boy” things he does, and loses his temper a bit with him. The car crashing and screeching and running and jumping and playing and messiness that is totally normal (and encouraged by doctors and professionals!) for a three year old child and he has a tendency to snap at Jake. While I don’t like it, I see it as a weakness in him. He isn’t strong enough to deal with nor smart enough to know what a healthy little boy does naturally.
Plus, the world will snap at Jake one day, and if he learns that it is not the end of the world when it happens in the safety of a home he is comfortable in, I see it as a lesson.
I know in my heart that I am doing a fabulous job with my son. He proves this to me by being a loving, tender, eager child. He validates my efforts by loving me back and respecting me when I reprimand him.
You are doing a great job, Beth.
Don’t let the bastards get you down.
Nice post!!!
I think the next phase is the age-old:
“Well if little Jimmy jumps off a bridge- are you going to do it??”
I really agree with you here. What I have a hard time with, at least with our extended family, is when people seem to really have too-high expectations, especially for toddlers!
I really like this. I too feel sensitive sometimes when this happens. But I also recognize that I am blessed to have so much of my family nearby who are all very much a part of my kids lives. I actually have more of a problem with my sister who has a very permissive parenting style. (her kids are almost out of the house and they have had some issues. Coincidence? Maybe not.) She tends to let Miss A get away with things that I would call her on, or if I say, for instance, “That was not nice, say you are sorry.” (to my sister) she’ll try to say it’s okay and it’s definitely NOT okay with me.
as parents we completely practice this around here… However, I still really struggle with my inlaws offering any reprimands or anything really. That’s my judgemental side erring in I guess…
I think this post was written for me. I have had some serious issues in the past with people saying things to my children. So much so, that one of my neighbors actually said something to me. I use to think that if I was standing there when my child did something, then I’m the one that says something, not another adult that is standing there. My kid, right? But then I realized that sometimes my kids reacted better if it was another parent saying something to them. That is not always the case, but sometimes it is helpful. I’m still not great about it, buy I handle it better. And I think I’m going to need to get this book.